Some days I feel like I am just going through the motions with these girls, and I desperately hope that they don't notice it. But I'm confident they do. I try not to let my face or tone betray my thoughts, but it is exhausting after awhile.
You see, staying home full-time was never on the radar for me. I never considered it. People tell me, "Oh, they'll be so much the better for it." I want to believe that. But I'm not sure that I'm any less crabby now that I'm home with them all of the time than I was when I was working. At least then I was getting a break. Work was the break. I think I'm probably crabbier now. And that can't be good for the girls.
I try not to be a bitch. Sometimes I catch myself, and I'm able to rein it in somewhat. But some days the filter between by brain and my mouth gets taxed and doesn't function at its maximum . I know I've said things that I should not have said. Things that probably hurt the girls' feelings. And I always immediately feel terrible and apologize. But I wonder if the damage is already done.
What I don't want is for the girls to look back and think, "Man, Mom was a dick most of the time!" I so so so don't want that. But sometimes this just seems so damn impossible to pull off.
I feel like there is nothing left of the old me, and that I am merely functional now. No thoughts, hopes, dreams, what have you, for myself. I feel like I have been stripped of all of that. Mind you, I was voluntarily stripped. I wanted to have children, and entered into this adventure willingly. And I still wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the world. That sounded a little bit like a disclaimer. But I'm sorting through all of these feelings, some that I wish were not floating around in my head and heart. Some that I can't even speak of aloud.
So I guess the question is, are they really better off with me at home? I'm not sure anymore.
5 comments:
I found you once again through hypenmama. I really wanted your feedback on a working with the police post I wrote, and there you were-gone!
When I think back to growing up, I thought my parents had it figured out. I'm pretty certain now that they just made it up as they went along. You are their mom and they love you just because you are spending time with them. With any luck, they'll forget the mundane crap and remember that you were there for them... toting them off to ballet and gymnastics. Give yourself a Starbucks break. Fully loaded with sugar!
I'm so glad your blog is back! I absolutely love it. Regarding this last post, I would give the SAHM thing a chance, and a good one. But if it doesn't work for you, don't feel pressured to do it. I feel like a lot of women are made to feel guilty about working outside the home, or about NOT working outside the home. You just can't win! But what works for each woman is personal, and if you're a better mom and happier person when you're working, then I would strongly suggest going back to work. Being a good role model for your daughters is probably the most valuable thing you can give them.
Hey! There's a debate going on over at http://www.leagueofmaternaljustice.com/2008/01/exposing-our-ch.html
and since your original blog about posting pics of kids is gone... maybe you'd want to step over and give your valuable 2 cents worth. The post, personally, irritated the heck out of me because everybody is talking about it, then justifying why they continue to post pics of their daughters in the tub. You're the best frame of reference I can think of!
Tanks for announcing the new url on new duck. I have subscribed again. yay!
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