Winter. Sucks. Although I am feeling a little bit more normal, I still have days where I just feel like I am in a fog. I have had some tests done, but my doctor never calls me to tell me the results. And I am tired of making an ass out of myself calling there to ask. I guess no news is good news.
I need a jolt of goodness. Or happiness. Or something lucky. Something. Anything.
At times, marriage and parenthood seem so much bigger than me. My girls love to watch our wedding video. I love to watch it, too. It reminds me of a time when my husband and I were wrapped up in how much we loved each other. We truly were a team. Partners in crime. Intertwined. All of the sappy stuff you see in movies and read about in books. Fiction books.
Now, you would think that having children would make us even more of a team. Even more partners in crime.
And, see, that's the strange part of marriage and parenthood. At least in my experience. It has driven us further and further apart. Sometimes I think that the only thread that holds us together is that, in our hearts, we know that we still love each other deeply. Somewhere in there.
Sometimes I look at him across the room and think, "Who are you?" And then sometimes I look at him and feel an inexplicable surge of just...love.
I have struggled at times with the question, "Do I still love this person?" Because sometimes I feel nothing. Then again, sometimes I feel nothing about anything. I know that he is feeling the same thing, although it is unspoken between us. It is as though uttering it would make it real, and definite. And irrevocable. Sometimes I think that all of the love we had for each other, we gave to the girls. And there are no leftovers to share with each other.
I think what it is, parenthood is so difficult at times that you need to unload all of the stress and unpleasantness of the day. So who else to unload on? The one you love the most. We say hurtful things to each other. We damage each other, sometimes, I believe, beyond repair.
My sister often tells me, "Just wait until the girls are older. It will get better."
But I have to wonder. At what point is the damage too great?
But then again, he truly is the love of my life.
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2 comments:
From your own perspective, you probably just see yourself as living your life and dealing with problems as they come up. From an outsider's perspective, you seem to be dealing with a major life transition - career upheaval, children, marriage, etc.
I, of all people, shouldn't be giving advice, but the best I can say is that it looks like you're doing a great job - don't be too hard on yourself.
Unfortunately, I went about the marriage business the wrong way. I was not totally in-love, he was not the love of my life, I can't even say I was particularly attracted to him. He was my dear friend and we shared a great friendship. We got married because it was expected... kind of the next step. VERY, VERY WRONG. The problem is that he has become the love of my life. My soulmate. The only person who I want by my side in this extremely tough world of parenting and life.
Your relationship is changing, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily gone bad. As long as you both love each other, there's really nothing you can't overcome. Even things said that are hurtful, will fade over time. Because there is love.
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